A Little Help From My Friends: Lily Weis On The Fun Of Being Alcohol-Free

“The thing that helps people turn the corner is understanding that they’re not broken. Our brains and bodies are working exactly how they were designed, faced with an addictive substance. People are shocked to find the problem isn’t with them, it’s with alcohol.”

You may be living sober already or fall into the very big category of sober curious. Wherever you are on embracing an AF lifestyle, it will help you to understand the science of drink. What we don’t know can certainly hurt us.

Lily Weis decided to become a sobriety coach after her own experience of being supported through the sober journey herself.

“It’s such a joy to help other people and watch this re-igniting of passion and excitement in their life again. When I found out that could be a full-time job and not just a volunteer ad hoc thing I jumped on it.”

Her main message, which addresses one of the most common concerns she hears from clients, is this:

You can have, and be, fun, even if you’re not drinking.

It seems so simple but there is a sense, amongst the sober curious, that all fun and socializing will cease without alcohol. Lily says it’s the biggest myth out there, and one that she clung to for years, even while alcohol was sucking the life out of her.

“I was sitting in a chair, in my living room, watching Netflix and drinking a bottle of wine a night thinking, oh my gosh, if I stop drinking, I’ll never have fun again. What is that? Isn’t that cuckoo? What is fun about the scene I just described?”

What Lily has found in her work with clients is that they are using alcohol to solve problems but really, that’s just kicking the can down the road. If you stop drinking those problems will still be there, unsolved, and it will take work to unravel them. You can do that kind of work much better if you’re sober.

Coaching With Lily

“Alcohol doesn’t actually solve any of your problems. It is like borrowing joy from a loan shark. You get what you need really quickly and the interest is a bummer. You’re going to pay tomorrow, and the next day and the next day and I can prove that with science. We know that with each drink we get a big hit of downer hormones, things like dynorphin and cortisol. You get that little bit of a high, 30 minutes, then a couple hours of lows. Your body and brain like to be in balance so if you go too high with dopamine, the brain says, oh I have to bring you back down.” It’s a hormonal yo yo.

“The thing that helps people turn the corner is understanding that they’re not broken. Our brains and bodies are working exactly how they were designed, faced with an addictive substance. People are shocked to find the problem isn’t with them, it’s with alcohol. The responsibility is with them because alcohol isn’t going to solve the problem for you. That’s a huge ah ha. Another thing that really changes the way people think is the belief that shame and guilt are actually doing something for us. The reality is they’re keeping us stuck. We know that shame and guilt inhibit growth. What makes for lasting habit change is positivity.”

For those who struggle with the social pressure to drink, Lily has some suggestions. They key to attending drinking events successfully is to have a plan in advance. Visualize yourself walking in and being offered a drink. What do you say? How about, Yes I’d love a drink; can I have a club soda and lime?

Lily says you can lie if you want to; it’s nobody’s business but your own.

“This is a very short period of time where people tend to be a little uncomfortable. So you bail from a party or two, who cares? Really. Who cares?

So have that Excuse ready.

Oh my gosh.

The babysitter just texted.

She's dying.

I have to go and take care of the kids.

Oh my gosh, migraine.”

A common pitfall is to approach these events with a “wait and see attitude”. She says that’s almost a guarantee you’ll end up drinking. If you are tempted, though, ask yourself why you feel you want to drink, what you think the drinking will accomplish, and is there anything else that could substitute for that drink, like two minutes of yoga breathing in the bathroom, or a step outside.

“So if you're, let's say, you're someone with social anxiety, you might say, well, I need this drink because I'm starting to feel anxious and it's just going to be weird. Well, we all know there's a direct relationship between alcohol and an increase in anxiety. So, to answer the question, is it true that this drink is going to settle me down?

Yeah, for 20 minutes and then you're going to feel worse.”

There’s a lovely sense of calmness when you realize you don’t have to do this yourself and you don’t have to meet in church basements with bad coffee. Working with a coach is about gaining insight into the neuroscience of alcohol. That knowledge is, itself, a game changer.

“People would want to work with a coach because it is very difficult to see what's keeping us stuck. It's like it's stuck on the back of your head, and you can't see it and you know something's there but you can't get at it.

A coach's job is to put up a mirror so that you can see what's there. The feedback I'm getting from my clients, is they have been doing work, they've been reading the books, they've been going to the seminars but what a coach is doing is really focusing in on them, helping them with their mindset and uncovering their blind spots and moving forward radically faster. I had one client just mention that she worked with a therapist for three years and in our five sessions. She feels like she's gone further.”

You can learn more about Lily on her website: coachingwithlily.com. Or reach out to her by email at lily@coachingwithlily.com.

About the Author

Joanna is a writer, trainer, coach and consultant with decades of experience as a journalist in radio and television. She teaches public speaking, communication skills and media relations. You can find Joanna at www.joannapiros.com.