Love, And Other Indoor Sports: What Drinking Has To Do With Sex

This article was originally published on February 11, 2022.

Although having a few glasses of bubbly or wine with your Valentine’s Day dinner makes you feel relaxed and more confident about sex, it does often interfere with the pleasure you could be experiencing. Consider having an alcohol free date night and experience the magic of sex without alcohol and you might just have the most romantic night ever. To understand the basics of pleasure and how it's impacted by drinking, here is a scenario A and a scenario B that breaks it all down for you!

Imagine this: Your partner surprised you with a romantic evening.

You get home from a long day and are met with the most amazing smell coming from your kitchen. Making your way across the house you notice candles are lit and there are a dozen red roses on the dining room table. Your partner is working hard in the kitchen cooking your favorite meal. They see you, smile, and hand you a glass of sparkling water. Throughout the meal you can tell they have more on their mind than just dinner and they quickly lead you to the bedroom.

What is that sexual excitement you’re feeling? It all starts in your brain, as it signals your body to increase blood flow to the genitals and causes your muscles to become more relaxed. Your neurons produce a messenger molecule called nitric oxide, which then travels through the blood to the genitals. It causes the area to become engorged with blood, leading to increased sensitivity and pleasure. Your partner knows exactly what you enjoy and they quickly bring you to the edge. Your muscles contract and relax in a series of waves and warmth spreads throughout your body as your mind lights up with intense pleasure. Satisfied, you drift off to sleep feeling connected and secure.

It’s not you, it’s the wine

Now, imagine this: your partner surprised you with a romantic evening. You get home from a long day and are met with the most amazing smell coming from your kitchen. Making your way across the house you notice candles are lit and there are a dozen red roses on the dining room table. Your partner is working hard in the kitchen cooking your favorite meal. They see you, smile, and hand you a glass of wine. One glass turns into two, and soon you’re opening a second bottle. Throughout the meal you can tell your partner has more on their mind than just dinner and eventually, when the wine is gone, you move to the bedroom.

You're excited, but your mind is foggy. The sexual excitement you are feeling mixed with the wine you had causes your muscles to become more relaxed. Your neurons try to produce nitric oxide, but unfortunately, the availability of nitric oxide is negatively affected by blood alcohol concentration. In addition to feeling sluggish, now you struggle to feel physically excited and as a result you’re distracted and insecure. With less blood flow to the areas that really need it you’re less sensitive and it’s taking much longer than usual for your partner to please you. You begin to feel insecure and quite possibly end up faking it. Your partner finishes and drifts off to sleep after a bit. Unsatisfied, you lie awake anxious and restless as the alcohol starts to wear off. A very anticlimactic end to a romantic evening.

Struggling to orgasm after drinking is normal

Does this sound familiar? Having a drink may make you feel more interested in sex in the beginning, and that’s because in very low concentrations, alcohol stimulates the release of nitric oxide, lowers our inhibitions, and makes us feel more confident and attractive. However, once you’ve crossed over into having a lot to drink the sensitivity and blood flow that you would normally experience is limited. Plus, only a fraction of the stimulation you’re receiving physically is reaching your brain because alcohol interferes with the communication between the brain and the genitals. This is why having an orgasm when you’re drinking can be such a struggle or can elude you altogether. If you do have an orgasm, then you may notice it’s a lot less intense.

Discover What You Really Like

When we’re used to manufacturing comfort and confidence with alcohol it can feel scary to get there on your own, so sex without it feels intimidating at first. Being fully present and allowing your body to be fully capable of experiencing sexual intimacy, both mentally and physically, is worth it. One suggestion is to enjoy some non alcoholic wine with your Valentine - there are so many great options available these days. Another suggestion is to try introducing some bedroom games to both spice up the encounter and take the pressure off. There are a variety of different card games you can purchase online that can help you and your partner connect and get comfortable.

Take this as an opportunity to discover what turns you on and what you actually enjoy sexually. Being fully present will allow you to connect with your partner on a deeper level by being mindful of their pleasure as well. A win-win for both of you!

Sources

Sica, M., Martini, M., Viglietti-Panzica, C. et al. Estrous cycle influences the expression of neuronal nitric oxide synthase in the hypothalamus and limbic system of female mice. BMC Neurosci 10, 78 (2009)

Noboru Toda, Kazuhide Ayajiki, Vascular Actions of Nitric Oxide as Affected by Exposure to Alcohol, Alcohol and Alcoholism, Volume 45, Issue 4, July-August 2010, Pages 347–355

University Health Network. "One Drink Of Red Wine Or Alcohol Is Relaxing To Circulation, But Two Drinks Are Stressful." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 13 February 2008.

About The Author

Gillian Tietz is the host of the Sober Powered podcast and works as a biochemist in the Boston area. When she quit drinking in 2019, she dedicated herself to learning about alcohol's influence on the brain and how it can cause addiction. She used that knowledge to free herself from the shame she had about being unable to control her drinking. Today, she educates and empowers others to assess their relationship with alcohol. You can find Gill creating content on Instagram, YouTube, and wherever you listen to podcasts.