Am I an alcoholic? And other things that prevented me from rethinking drinking

For a long time, I knew that the party should be over

Drinking too much wine to deal with life had become a really bad daily habit, and I woke up a lot of mornings regretting having that extra glass. Every once in a while, I would sit down at my computer and google “Am I an alcoholic?”

I was usually in a hangover state, and feeling miserable about myself and my life. Deep down inside, I knew I was doing something really unhealthy but was secretly afraid of hearing the results. The usual pop-quiz would come up asking me questions about my relationship with alcohol, that I was sometimes truthful about and other times not so much.

In those moments, there were two very extreme ends of the spectrum and I believed the options were black and white. I was either destined for a dusty church basement AA meeting, and a lifetime of moral fortitude against the evils of alcohol, or I wasn’t. Have you ever avoided looking at your credit card bill, hoping it would go away? OK, maybe just me. But I was doing the same thing here - when AA seems like the only unpleasant option, I worked very hard to avoid the truth.

I don’t have the shakes, so I must not have a problem

Inevitably, the quiz would tell me that I was drinking a little too much but not enough to classify me as an alcoholic. I didn’t have the shakes, didn’t need a drink in the morning and other very extreme (to me) criteria. I would rejoice and go on my merry way, relieved that the recommendation was merely to go and talk to my doctor, and try and cut back. The reality is that there are a million and one ways now to tackle alcohol overuse and AA is only one of them (and it’s definitely not mandatory). For me, it was reading and listening to podcasts and doing a 30-day alcohol-free challenge. For others, it might be coaching, counselling, therapy. There isn’t one way to tackle this, and I wish I had known that then.

Let’s drink, bitches

Everyone else is doing it, so……. The mommy-needs-her-wine social media feed always reinforced that it was ok to drink because it’s stressful trying to ‘have it all’. At restaurants, farmer’s markets, mom’s nights and cottage weekends, we would ply each other with drinks and then look the other way when someone over drank. In my wide network of friends from all walks of life, only one woman had ever tried to stop drinking and no-one talked about that out loud. I never wanted to be the one who people judged for not being able to keep my ‘ish together. And so we all kept drinking.

Looking back, the expectation from others prevented me from seeing how unhealthy I was being. I’m not alone in this regard. A lot of women I’ve connected with this past year have said the same thing. The judgement and stigma associated with alcohol overuse has prevented all of us from talking about how we’re collectively feeling about the growing impacts of too much wine on our self-esteem, physical health and mental wellbeing. I’m hoping to stop that train in it’s tracks, by speaking up and getting that conversation out in the open.

FOMO

Since everyone is drinking (over 70% of Canadians drink once or more a week), it stood to reason that I was going to feel like I’m missing out if I don’t imbibe. This belief is a hard one to rethink, because even people who have given up alcohol long ago still feel the sensation they’re being left out of an inside joke. It’s very hard to grasp, when you’re a high-functioning drinker, that you’re actually missing out on a lot of other things due to feeling sick/hungover/depressed/anxious.

The great news is that there are OPTIONS! I call them stock options. There is so much innovation happening in the alcohol-free drinks world that you can totally enjoy a really delicious adult drink and not miss the alcohol. You certainly won’t be missing out on waking up with a clear head, being productive, and feeling better than you’ve ever felt.

If you feel like you’re unhappy with the amount your drinking, whether it’s one glass or ten, please consider rethinking drinking in whatever way works for you. If you visit the Start Here page, there are a few recommendations to get you started!