Inspiring Women Who Are Rethinking Drinking Volume 8

Meet Marla

Our latest Inspiring Woman is Marla Heim, a mother who reminds us of how important it is to question the culture that surrounds us, and shows us you CAN unlearn deep-seated habits. Read her empowering story below!

Tell us a bit about yourself — what do you do for a living? What makes you happy?

I’m 49 years old and for the past 12 years I have been a stay-at-home parent. Being an “old fashioned” home-maker isn’t for everyone, but for me it’s been my life’s greatest gift. Our twin girls are 12, going on 13. In the earlier part of my life, I worked as an Environmental Consultant. In that role I had the unique opportunity to travel to remote regions of northern Canada and experience the raw beauty of that part of the world. I love being outside – love birds and gardening, skiing and mountain biking, camping and fresh air. I love spending time with my family, whether that be on the couch watching our Friday night movie, or out exploring.

What role has alcohol played in your life?

In my mid-teens I took pride in being the “good kid”: the one that followed the rules and did well in school. I had friends that were experimenting with alcohol at that time, but I resisted the peer pressure. Then, when I was 16 years old my Dad’s job in the Canadian Air Force required our family to relocate from central Ontario to Summerside, PEI. When we moved to PEI, I struggled to fit in. The community there was/is very cliquey. Anyone that hasn’t lived on the island for generations is actually given a label – CFA – which means “Come from Away”.  I was the only kid from “away” in the entire school population. I lacked the confidence to just be myself, and instead, molded myself into the culture of the teen population there.

“I was a highly functioning human. Exercised often, ate well, volunteered at the school and in the community. I never drove drunk.... If I had a “problem”, I wouldn’t be able to do all of that, right?”

I wanted to fit in. So, I started drinking. Not just like everyone else. A bit more. I didn’t drink every day, but when I did drink, I drank a lot.

[As I got older] the pattern of abstaining from drinking most days was punctuated by over-drinking at social occasions. This continued until my early 30s when I met my husband, who is older and European. Our routine together soon included splitting a bottle of wine nearly every night.

I gave up alcohol completely during my pregnancy, but resumed right after the babies were born. After a while the couple of glasses a night started to turn into 2 or 3, and then 3 or 4 and then the whole bottle. I was a highly functioning human. Exercised often, ate well, volunteered at the school and in the community. I never drove drunk. I never got into stupid fights or did (major) things I regretted the next day. If I had a “problem”, I wouldn’t be able to do all of that.  If I had a “problem” I would be drinking in the morning and getting the shakes on the occasional dry day. None of that was me.  I’m fine. Right?

What was the moment you decided to rethink drinking?

When the pandemic hit, all my reasons for staying sober were gone. I started to drink more and more. For three months, I drank to excess. Toward the end of May we spent a week in the mountains in BC during which was filled with wine.

“When the pandemic hit, all my reasons for staying sober were gone. I started to drink more and more. ”

[When we returned home] I vowed that the following week would be a “dry” week starting immediately. Soon after we were done unpacking, I got a call from my bestie down the street.  She missed me and wanted me to come over for a happy hour. I headed on over and we proceeded to get plastered. The drunkest I’d been in a long time. I stayed way longer than I intended and eventually stumbled home. All this only hours after I’d vowed to stay dry for a week. My other daughter was waiting for me at the door. She was upset that I had been away for so long. I was supposed to be home for supper. We were supposed to do something (I can’t remember what). Even in my drunken stupor, I knew at that moment that this had to come to an end.  

I made her a promise then and there that I would never drink again. That was June 6, 2020 and I haven’t had a drop since.

Has the change in your relationship with alcohol been easy or difficult? What do you think contributed to this for you? 

I would say it has been both easy AND difficult.  I tried to quit many many times before.  There was always something that drew me back. Quitting is hard. Alcohol makes all kinds of changes in our brains that make keeping drinking so much easier than quitting drinking.  During all that time (years) that I tried to moderate I would say that my relationship with alcohol was very difficult. I harbored a lot of guilt, shame, self-loathing for not being able to control it. 

When I made the final decision to quit, the relationship finally became easy. All the negativity associated with my failed attempts to moderate and/or quit went away. It was really like a switch finally went off and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. 

Have you learned anything about your health in relation to alcohol that was surprising or that you wish you had known earlier? 

Yes.  I wish SO much I had known about all the deleterious health effects that are strongly linked to alcohol consumption. As soon as I quit, I started seeing a psychologist and started doing a lot of reading. I was shocked to learn that alcohol consumption (at any level!) is strongly linked to a whole host of cancers, diabetes, dementia, bone health, infertility, heart disease, blood pressure issues, and poor mental health. I knew none of this. I knew that alcohol affected the liver, but that was about it.  

“I was shocked to learn that alcohol consumption (at any level!) is strongly linked to a whole host of cancers, diabetes, dementia, bone health, infertility, heart disease, blood pressure issues, and poor mental health. I knew none of this.”

Fortunately for me, I’m pretty healthy at this point.  But time will tell.

What kind of tools/prompts/books/podcasts did you use to help you on your journey toward rethinking alcohol? Do you still use these tools? 

First off, I sought the help of a wonderful psychologist who is very well educated in addiction and addiction recovery.  She was instrumental in helping me understand what to expect as my mind and body recovered from so many years of heavy drinking.  She also taught me about the importance of exercise and meditation to aid recovery and helped me accept myself as I am, maybe for the first time ever in my life.

I read a tonne of books in the “quit lit” genre.  The two that had the most impact and that I’ve read again and again were The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Chatherine Gray and The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley. I got a lot out of the brain science sections of both books and also really appreciated the discussions of how alcohol is viewed in our society. I particularly identified with Clare Pooley. Her life was my life in so many ways.

I still meditate pretty regularly and exercise every day. I refer back to those two books from time to time when I’m feeling a bit discouraged or otherwise need a boost.

Do you feel apprehensive about sharing your decision to rethink alcohol with others in your family/social group?

Yes and no. I was fine telling my closest friends and some of my family members. Telling my Dad was the toughest, I think. He and I have always really enjoyed a couple of drinks together whenever we see each other. He’s fine stopping after one or two. Me, not so much. Turns out he was totally fine with it.

In all cases, though, any apprehension I feel about telling others is centered around the fear that they’ll think there is something wrong with me. “Normal” people can handle alcohol, so what is wrong with me? I worry they think I’m an “alcoholic”, whatever that is. I have to constantly tell myself that it doesn’t matter what others think. That I’m doing this for myself. Still, when I tell people I don’t drink, I usually feel the need to follow it up with some sort of explanation: I’m on a health kick, I don’t like the taste, etc.

What are some benefits you have experienced since rethinking the place alcohol holds in your life? 

“For me, there were no really sudden earth shattering changes. It has been a slow, gradual process of feeling incrementally better physically and mentally.”

Where to start? I’m a much better parent and partner. Much more present and patient. Much more even keeled. I feel so much better physically. The dread of yet another hangover is all it takes to keep me from reaching for the wine when I’m having a weak moment.  

During the height of the pandemic, we picked up our lives (including two tweenaged kids) and moved from Calgary to Houston. That was really stressful. It was just so hard. I can’t imagine navigating all of that with a hangover or the fog of a night of drinking. As much as I craved the temporary release that I knew wine would give me, I’m so glad I didn’t indulge. In the long run it would have made an already tough situation nearly unbearable.

I wish I could say the changes have been miraculous. I’ve read so much about people who lost a tonne of weight, felt full of energy, had clearer skin and thicker hair, who started hearing fairies singing and could shoot rainbows from their palms…. not really, but you get the picture. For me, there were no really sudden earth shattering changes. It has been a slow, gradual process of feeling incrementally better physically and mentally.

How did removing alcohol from your life contribute to your role as caregiver and/or as a working professional?

I’m definitely more patient. I feel that now my kids can be proud of me. I think sometimes my drinking embarrassed them. When they come to me at night because they can’t sleep or something is wrong and want to cuddle and talk, I don’t worry about breathing fumes all over them.

How has your physical activity benefited from removing alcohol? 

I am exercising more regularly now. No missed workouts because of hangovers! But I still managed to do quite a bit in my drinking days. I’d say my day-to-day maintenance of an exercise routine is more consistent, but my “weekend warrior” challenges are about the same.

What is your top piece of advice that you would give to someone who might want to rethink drinking?

“If you are like me and you fall fully into the abstainers’ camp, then you have to truly picture your life without alcohol in order to be successful. You have to fully commit to it and not be afraid to tell others ‘just in case you fail’.”

I really believe that people fall into two camps: moderators and abstainers (this isn’t my idea – I got it from Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project). We abstainers find the concept of trying to moderate something – whether it be wine or chocolate chip cookies – really stressful. The idea of having to make decisions all the time about whether or not to indulge is exhausting.  Moderators, on the other hand, find the concept of never having something ever again terrifying and would much rather deal with all the work that comes with moderating than full denial.

If you are like me and you fall fully into the abstainers’ camp, then you have to truly picture your life without alcohol in order to be successful. You have to fully commit to it and not be afraid to tell others “just in case you fail”. You have to accept that this is your new life. It isn’t a 30-day challenge or a temporary “reset”. This is it. This is your new (and improved!) life. That, and be kind to yourself. I’m not normally a sweets person, but I swear I ate nearly my weight in chocolate during the first 6 months of being completely sober. I let myself indulge in absolutely anything with the mantra of “well, at least it isn’t wine”. One thing at a time. Kick the booze first and then deal with all the other bad habits when you are ready.